Got downvoted hard on Reddit for suggesting that a machete is more useful than a bunch of guns in a large-scale disaster situation, because of course I did.

Guys. Bros. The fact that your disaster preparedness begins and ends with guns tells me that you’re already much more fucked than I am with my machete

1. The maintenance for a machete begins and ends with “something to scrape it on”

2. They don’t need bullets

3. You can use them for stuff besides trying to kill people

4. They aren’t a theft target by themselves like guns are

5. Someone threatening me for my food and water with a gun is probably not actually prepared to shoot me. It’s just a dangerous, expensive bluff.

6. If they are prepared to shoot me, I was already fucked. 🤷‍♀️

7. A machete is like $12

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I was raised Mormon!!! Do not malign my disaster preparedness, which is already better than yours lbr

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You also don't need gunpowder stored in a limited supply of cartridges with lead tips.

@alpine_thistle This right here is the line of the show 👍

@alpine_thistle A machete is twelve bucks!?

Dumbass nerds can keep their stupid expensive gun, I'mma become proficient with a machete.

@pillowcat yeah machetes are stupid cheap! The day I saw them at the hardware store was the day I opened my third eye

@pillowcat I use it for chopping off long vegetation in the yard

@alpine_thistle Oh certainly, my intention to become proficient is far from looking at it exclusively as a weapon and more about a broad safe use of tools.

Which is what makes a machete so heckin' cool.

@pillowcat exactly!! And it’s easy to become proficient with one. Just swing with your hips/body, not your shoulder or elbow

@pillowcat @alpine_thistle if you wanna learn how the folks in the Phillipines got rid of their colonizers with machetes, find a local escrima class! It's super fun, and you learn how to dual wield to defend a doorway. 🗡🗡

@alpine_thistle going into this with a "hang on, that can't be right?!" and coming out with "Well ok I'm gonna buy myself a machete now". :)

Actually is there any instructions on ways to use a machete properly as a farming tool (beyond the "hacking down undergrowth" bit)?

@ohyran swing with your hips/body, not your shoulder/elbow!

@alpine_thistle lol Did you ask them what happens when they run out of bullets?

@4deuces I was like “I have a machete and a dog. I’ll be fine if I can stand my ground, because this isn’t a Mad Max shootout fantasy and I’m either already dead or calling your tough-guy bluff”

They didn’t like that lol

@alpine_thistle lol Next time refer them to the two Machete movies with Danny Trejo.

@alpine_thistle but a gun that fires machetes is deffo the perfect thing to have with you

@alpine_thistle I would speculate that's because they can only think of keeping what they have or acquiring more by violence, not the sheer utility that a machete brings. I think a lot of preppers privately fancy themselves as the next local war-lord/ruler who will take food and water as part of his tithe.

@gedvondur right. Or they have this macho fantasy about ~defending the homestead~ but they don’t know how to cook or sew or even actually fire the gun effectively

@alpine_thistle @gedvondur

The only preppers I actually enjoy are the couple in Tremors, and really they just show the ridiculousness of the mindset. Most of us aren't going to be dealing with massive sandworms.

@phyrry @gedvondur my parents are preppers. I’m tempted to say “but they’re not the crazy kind,” buuuut they’re waiting for the second coming of Christ and they gave me a 72-hour emergency kit when I moved away from home lol. So maybe a little crazy.

@phyrry @gedvondur true, but my parents take it to a more extreme degree than a lot of people do hahaha. I can’t hate—it came in handy when their house got hurricaned last year and they were out of power for several weeks, for instance

@alpine_thistle @phyrry @gedvondur so they're prepared, just for the wrong disaster...but better off than not prepared at all? 😂 also how does one get a machete and what are its uses 👀 i draw a hard no at guns but i also dont always feel very safe...

@Laisai @alpine_thistle @phyrry If you want self defense and want easy and cheap plus no guns, go out and buy a baseball bat. But here's my caution:

Before you buy it you have to decide that you are willing *swing* as hard as you can with the intention of *hurting* or even accidentally killing the other person. If you hold back, they will take it away from you and use it on you. So as long as you have the right mindset to defend yourself, go for a baseball bat, IMHO.

@Laisai @alpine_thistle @phyrry If you want a machete, you can get them on amazon or the Army Surplus store almost always has them. Great tools.

@gedvondur @alpine_thistle @phyrry I'm not sure I could use a baseball bat! Aren't they pretty heavy? I'm currently suffering from chronic back pain so having to pick up heavy objects would not help 😂 thanks tho! 👀 also im in Canada so I imagine it would be harder to find an army surplus store... and our amazon selection is inferior, unfortunately. i suppose i should see if it's legal here to have a machete i guess. pepper spray isn't, haha

@Laisai @alpine_thistle @phyrry Oh, yes! Pepper spray is a fantastic idea. Better than a bat or machete. They do make bats in all sizes, you could find one you could wield, but pepper spray is awesome.



I am a huge fan of the humble hatchet, but a machete is a better weapon.

@alpine_thistle I get downvoted on Reddit for the flimsiest of reasons:
"Just because some people get pranayama training for free does not mean it's acceptable to ask for it for free."
"Don't ask about where to replenish your PAYG plan when you visit our city."
"Don't post a pic not hosted on imgur of your new fountain pen."
"Don't ask any question that isn't in the FAQ, no matter how relevant and politely worded it is."

@alpine_thistle at phoenix comicon a few years back during a Surviving the Apocalypse panel/audience round table we concluded the best things to have were: Grandparents & other elders, books, stockpiles of basic over-the-counter medicines, and an assortment of neighbors with different skills. Also that the survivalist nuts would be left alone if they stayed in their bunkers, welcomed if they were willing to be part of the community, and treated like a rabid animal if they became raiders.

@LilFluff this makes sense. We’d basically be reverting to hunter-gatherer-horticulturist communities, and there’s a reason we survived for tens of thousands of years like that instead of just killing each other off.

@alpine_thistle I see a lot of downvotes for innocuous, uncontroversial posts. My own comments with glib, throwaway lines often do a lot better than thoughtful answers I spend 30 minutes writing.

The masses are fickle.

Violence, gross 

Violence, gross 

@alpine_thistle Plus if we're going for post apoc ~*~*~*~aesthetics~*~*~*~, it looks much more badass with a machete and a good pair of bolt cutters

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