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had a panic attack tonight. because of my father, again. for the second time in two weeks. (when i get too emotional i have a hard time breathing, my stomach hurts, i lose feeling in my fingertips, buzzing in my ears, etc)

my dad and i have always had problems. he has lied to my mother and made her feel like shit about herself and done too many drugs.

recently he promised me he would actually listen to what i had to say instead of blowing up in my face and apologizing an hour later, like he does once a week.

whenever i try to explain myself he runs out of the room so he doesn't have to hear my side. after last week when he made me break down he promised he wouldn't do that anymore.

so i'm not arguing, i'm trying to understand what he's saying. i am repeating exactly what he means right back to him. but he gets pissy, says i'm wrong, and when i try to explain myself he starts running away. i call down the hallway and try following him "please don't walk away from me"

instead of reacting like a normal human being he steps toward me with gritted teeth, raises his voice at me. i try to explain myself, he runs and shuts the bedroom door so hard that the house shakes. i'm bothered, scared, say he's acting like a psychopath. he screams fuck off at me at the top of his lungs.

and when we have to sit down to discuss later, he tells me how he shows he that he loves me by not forcing me to get a job (when i have extreme social anxiety and depression) and how he does so much for me. and i just tell him this is it. i can't pretend like i want to try to be his friend anymore when he treats me like shit at least once a week.

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